I know I will be going back to harming myself. I fucking know it. I want to just end it, so damn badly. Honestly I want to just give up. All of my damn work just to be thrown in the street. Maybe I was better off without a family. Maybe I would have never got my hopes up. Or maybe I would have kept my hope, rather…
I feel really hopeless. MY mother better fucking say something to me about this. I swear if she just ignores me I am going to snap.
I have no family, no life, no school, no job, no voice, no self confidence, no potential, no opportunities, no friends, no future.
I am nothing but stardust just taking advantage of this astonishing universe.
I pretty much got rejected by FVS yesterday…
What am I too good for public schooling now?
I am so pissed off right now.
Everything that I once was is gone. Its fucking gone. Is no one going to give me a chance? I want to cry. I want to scratch my skin until it rips open and rip my veins out. God I feel so self destructive right now. All I want to do is to catch up. Isn’t that a normal thing to want to do? That’s another 2 grand that I need to pull out of my ass. I think that we’re going to have to pay monthly payments but holy shit. I’m not going to be able to o back to public school am I? I just need my mother to tell my god damn story. I need a voice. I need to grow a backbone. :’C
I hope my mother feels sorry. Fucking promising me these things and fucking me over. I know I fucked myself but still…
What am I to do?
God I feel so encapsulated right now.
Well I cleaned my keyboard and after 5 minutes I got board. Board, get it?
Not funny? Okay.
I squeezed lemons into my hair and not sitting outside in the sun.
I plan on being outside all day so yeah. I;m getting to really love it out here. I wish it wasn’t so hard on my electronics though. I hope to god that everything is okay tomorrow. I pray to God everything is okay. God, Please let everything be okay. I
I literally have lemon pieces in my hair
I found a lemon seed stuck behind my ear OMG wut
I am going to call FVS tomorrow (I hope my mother calls them though) I’ll call mcarthr and get my transcript
God please let me get into Florida virtual high school. Please God Please
Summer is almost here. 2 more weeks?
I need to be done with school before fucking august. I will do it. No sleep is all.
Can you believe after like a week of getting 3 hours of sleep
Two days in a row I I feel asleep at like 3 or so and mother had to wake me up to feed grandpa. Then I preceeded to go back to sleep She comments on how I have been up all night and sleep all day. whaaa?
This is after she walked thought the door at 7ish? or 8?
I presume she will sleep all day but I could be wrong. 4 is when she will wake up.
I have so many things that could work out. Somehow I just need to come up with 40,000$ Yeah, you’re not hallucination. 40 fucking grand. Within a year…I already know what you are going to say… How the fuck do I plan on doing it? Thats a good question. I have no idea. Shit I have no idea. Every week saving every goddamn penny. This summer I need a job though. Even if I have to walk.
When I am alone I listen to music while pacing back and forth. It is a way to think about my life, goals, family ect. I analyze everything, absolutely every single aspect of this world it seems. I merge lyrics with facts. I talk to myself. I swear its weird and people who have “walked in on me” think I am absolutely bonkers. I don’t know it gives me an opportunity to delve into my mind and soul. I comforts me within all this aching. It gives me a chance to be honest and rational with myself or completely live in a fantasy world. It definitely can be an advantage but it is also something I need to put limitations on. As it can be exceptionally distracting. It’s away of being intimate with my own thoughts. idk.
It is just all about letting that dark negative energy go
My entire family has gone absolutely mad.
I’m starting to see the darkness again. I think I might have been blinded by the light for a bit but holy shit I can’t even sleep on a fucking couch.
This need to change and I mean drastically. What has happened?
Why am I always out of the mother fucking loop?
Why does not one person in this fucking house talk to me?
Why is my mother constantly gone?
What happened to all of the fucking promises?
What happened to honesty?
I want out. I need to write these e-mails.
I want to leave this all behind.
I am so desperate
I feel like I am wasting away into nothing but dusty bones
I am trapped sufficating, this is all wrong.
These people are all wrong. Nothing but bullshitters every last one of them. Phony mother fuckers.
They all go against my conscious They go against my aura or how I wish to be. It is is draining. I fee so withered way into nothing.
I have nothing now. All I wanted was a family and a home. I wanted a little guidance. Someone to talk to…
What the hell? what is going on?
God, I am going to have to have a talk with you this afternoon.
I mean seriously. I am so confused and lost. I need a but of guidance.
I want to be good. In doing so that means making the right choices. I mean how do i respond to all of this chaos? I just am not familiar with a… thief? Thieves… One thriving off of one another. I am tired of dealing with these people who just take take take want want want. It is so not me. Yes desire is always there but you do do petty things such as those to achieve it. YOu know what I just don’t like people like that. It is just not who I am.
Are we opposites are am I just developing my senses?
I just lost like 3 text posts… wonderful
Well I guess I will just sum it all up
- Drinking tons of water does actually fluh your system out. It i super beneficial and feels so good.
- Apple and lemon juice is a match made in wonderland. It is full of deliciousness and very alkalizing.
- SO apparently period blood can get stuck in the uterus. Isn’t that the grosses/weirdest thing ever?! I mean I have been eating a lot of fruit and cut out soda entirely. As well as doing 30-60 minutes of yoga everyday. So I am trying to get things to become loosey goosey and moving along. So apparently I peed and this red and white goop came out. Once it was like all there and as I peed less and less came out. I Google it and it could be left over period blood. Which does make sense since I just got over my period like two days ago buT STILL! Can you imagine if that happens and you are eating a standard american diet? Does it just stay there? Has this happened before and just never got out? I mean I have been eating a lemon and 4 apples every day this week and Mandarin oranges and pomegranants and blackberries tomorrow. Plus last night (not this last night the one before) I was literally drinking bottle after bottle of water like 7. So it dislodged everything. Nothing today so that’s good.
- I feel horribly lonely. MY mother is never around anymore and my siblings ignore me. My grandpa has been getting on my nerves lately. I feel so defeated and upset. I feel so directionless. I need to make some decisions today.
- I literally have not been sleeping. Yesterday I wanna say I got two hours of sleep max. It wasn’t even straight through. It was like 45 minutes, 5 minutes, 15, and so on. Of course it is a rough statement but its true. God I need today to be a wonderful day. Please good weather and uplifting spirits. I would be so grateful and happy. I don’t know what I will do but I will tell you I am not sleeping on that couch anymore. Not even sitting on it. Fuck that. Everything I do, I do not deserve this.
- I’m going to try my very best to open my heart up to my siblings. I am realizing that it is not them it is the way they were raised. Unfortunately parenting is not my mothers forte. we do well because of our personalities and desperation not because of her guidance we are born with our minds and if we are wise enough to seek to develop it it is because we chose to, not because we have a mother. (okay maybe not 100 percent accurate but some what)
- I am going to be super nice to grandpa and everyone else. I’ll just deal with it all. I need to go back to school so badly. I am yearning for it. This is so maddening. I just don’t understand, do I? I fucking cannot stand this. I am being treated like a maid. Being fed and given room and board. It’s like I am a god damn robot. I never get any positive reinforcement other than from grandpa. I never get anything. Where does all his money go? She needs 40 dollars here. 60 dollars there. She always needs money.Yet she won’t get this house exterminate or the toilet fixed or get her own car or even buy me a real bed as well as Keri and Joseph It could totally be done if he didn’t go out and buy doughnuts and Slurpee and didn’t go to eleven at midnight when her food stamps arrived on all junk food that will be gone by the morning. It is so much bullshit. If she didn’t pen her check on all these unnecessary items. It makes no sense. None what so ever. Now she is groggy.
- Oh, and thank you so fucking much for appreciating the fact that I put Stephen’s clothes in the dryer and folded the towels or cleaned all of the dishes and silverware this entire week.
- It’s getting old real fats and all i want to do is enroll into VS finish my courses and go back to regular school
I got up around 7 and did around an hour of yoga. It was the most wonderful and loosening feeling I have felt in so long. It will be a definite daily/ weekly activity of mine. I have found this wonderful instructor on YT and wonderful videos are wonderful. :)
I did the 30 minutes video and, drank some water
Started to do the hour long video and about half way through it fluffy cane out of grandpa’s room and literally peed all over the entire hallway. So I decided while i am still limber I would try to complete the video. Well precious must have saw me in downward facing dog pose and started to scratch on the french doors. She was so excited. We said our hellos and good mornings then she went off to grandpa’s room. At that point I knew grandpa was up and didn’t want him escaping or seeing me in these weird yoga poses. I mopped the entire floor, then dried it. I remembered that grandpa’s clothes were in the dryer, then realized that grandpa had no clothes to change into. I put his clothes into the dryer and made his breakfast. I put some cinnamon sticks and two waffles because there’re wasn’t that many. I told him all of the info of today and what was going on. I threw his clothing in the dryer and then went n to take the most enjoyable shower I’ve had in a while. floor, you know the works